Join Hillary in Our Fight!

PAID FAMILY CARE LEAVE

Finally, Hillary is taking up the fight for paid family care leave!! See below pasted from www.democrats.com and click the links to sign your name and add your comments!

What You're Signing:

I want to join the National Partnership for Women & Families in telling Congress: Let's move our nation forward by ensuring that more people can take job-protected leave when they need it and by advancing the paid family and medical leave that millions need. It's time that our nation's policies reflect 21st century work and family dynamics. It's time to support paid leave!

Background:

Twenty years ago, President Clinton signed the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and the United States took a major step toward becoming a more family friendly nation.

But the FMLA was only meant to be a first step. The sad reality is 40% of workers aren’t covered by the FMLA, millions can't afford to take unpaid leave and the United States is one of four countries that doesn't provide paid maternity leave.

This must change. Now.

More lawmakers are recognizing that family friendly policies are essential to families' economic security as well as the success of businesses and our nation's economy. The American public recognizes this too. Polls show a majority of Americans say they struggle to manage work and family obligations – and 86% say Congress should consider new laws to help.

Paid leave policies help keep people working, level the playing field for businesses, reduce reliance on public assistance and more. It is time for members of Congress to make paid leave a top priority.

READ, SIGN & SUPPORT FAMILIES, AMERICA, and HUMANITY:

http://www.democrats.com/its-time-for-paid-leave

What I Wish I'd Known About Nursing & Pumping

I'm not sure if it's just spring or that I'm at that optimal age for our generation between having completed grad school a few years back and so actually earning more than $50K per year, and still having the physiological capability to bear children, but whatever the cause - I know a LOT of pregnant women right now, and they all plan to work after giving birth. And as we say en espanol - ?como no?! The way the world is now the vast majority of families are going to have to engage both parents in out-of-home work. So, I interrupt our discussion about paid care leave to share with you what I've learned about nursing.

A lot of the soon-to-be-new-moms are, however, giving birth for the first time, and  a few have asked me about breastfeeding. Most people cannot believe I nursed full-time for a year and that my son didn't quit nursing until he was 17 months old while I also worked full-time and hour from home. (Yes, pat on the back.) Now, I'm not crazy, I'm just irrationally tenacious when I'm committed to something. I guess some people would say that's the same thing, but the silver lining is this - you only have to be crazy to figure this stuff out... a perfectly normal person can use all my tips and remain certifiably sane.

So, here's how you do it (partners, dads, and caretakers, it's good for you to know this stuff, too)... and I'm going to state both the obvious and not so obvious:

1. If for any reason you have a hunch that your child's latch is not right - call the lactation specialist sooner rather than later, i.e. before two weeks after birth. (Bleeding, discomfort and an insatiable baby are tick-offs.)
2. If that still doesn't work, your baby's tongue may have a connective flap underneath that is too long. See a pediatrician ASAP, and get it snipped. This hurts about as much as having your ears pierced and used to be routine in hospital births through the 60s; it's not very painful nor is it uncommon.
3. Cabbage leaves - before or after nursing just place a fresh leaf on each side in your bra - this eases the pain and prevents congestion - especially if you are sore or engorged. 
4. Stay hydrated: that doesn't mean tossing back a 10 oz glass of water every 2 hours. It means a lot of sipping. If you have to make herbal tea to keep yourself sipping - do it. If you do consume large amounts of water quickly, you'll actually dehydrate when your body works overtime to achieve a correct water-electrolyte balance. Pickles also help - the B vitamins help you stay hydrated.
5. Which leads me to coconut water. Coconut water is an insanely good natural source of electrolytes. Without them, your body will not hold onto the water you need. Bananas are also great. (Don't use Gatorade, you can't digest it and neither can your baby.) Coconut water also has some kind of magical immune boosting power, so it's good for mama and baby. In South America mothers used coconut water to wean their children.
6. Eat well. LOTS of protein and yes, carbs! Oatmeal is great for making milk in part because it has the perfect (and I don't like that word) balance of protein and carbs for the human being. I ate it every day with nuts for extra omegas - also good for baby. And you can use instant, which is great for new mommas.
7. Get sleep. I didn't get enough and I regret it considerably: Dad can do one feeding a night!!! Yes, he can! And you won't lose your milk! But, if you're worried, pump into a bottle right before going to bed, and let papa heat it for baby for that 3 am wake-up.
8. Once you've kinda got the whole infant thing down (I dunno... between 6 and 8 weeks old...) start pumping a bottle a day - that's 4 oz. You can freeze it or papa can give it to start bottle feeding, say once a week. We did both. Also, it's good to have a store for "what-ifs". For me it was a clogged duct that resulted in an infection. I was on strong antibiotics for 10 days that of course killed the probiotics in my son's stomach making him very uncomfortable. We had milk frozen. I kept pumping while on the antibiotics, and was able to give him the pumped milk - spread out once a day when he was in day care months later.
9. Pumping tips: 

• If you're going back to work get a GOOD pump! Medela is the best in my opinion and it needs to be both sides at once, a double pump. Obama passed a law that all pumps and pumping accessories and add-ons like bags are now covered by medical flexible spending, so keep your receipts for your FSA.
• You'll probably need to pump about every 3 hours. I fed my son at 6 am, pumped at 10am, pumped at 2pm, and then fed him at 5:30pm for bedtime (and pumped later, but I'll get to that).
• Always pump until the milk stops - that might be 12 minutes, it might be 23. Then KEEP pumping for at least 3 minutes. I would always got a second let down. I quickly went from pumping 3 oz per pump (about 20 mins) to 6 oz (about 25 mins) after I added the extra time- capturing the second let down. This happens because the sensation of "sucking" tells your body to make milk, so while you're pumping what was already sitting there - more is being made. You want to capture that let down, too so that your body is encouraged to keep making lots of milk.
• When you're done, make yourself that herbal Fenugreek (Yogi is good) tea and sip away, then chow a couple tablespoons of peanuts. Making milk burns 500 - 800 calories a day, so don't diet.
• If you wanna work out - that's fine. I did starting at 8 weeks, lost all my baby weight before returning to work at 20 weeks, and never dieted. I was eating constantly - but lots of protein.
• Like most mothers - either when mama goes back to work, or baby starts sleeping through the night, you may see a drop in your milk. This is really frustrating, but don't worry, you can get it back. Here's how:

1. Fenugreek herbal drops. If you get them really fresh they're very good. Drops are better than the pills also, and the taste is a bit fizzy. I put half a dropper's worth right on the tongue followed with OJ, 3 times a day. And Brewers yeast - for me it was 2 pills three times a day with the Fenugreek and I saw immediate results with both. (I never found published reasons not to use either of these; they were recommended to me by moms and midwives; and have been used for centuries.)
2. Sipping - I would sip the "Nursing Support" Yogi tea (or Celestial Seasonings Bedtime) about an hour before bed, and a couple times during the day if I was up to it.
3. Extra pumping really helps. Add on 2 more minutes after your second let down at work. this might put you at 35 minutes of pumping time twice a day at work, but remember - it's not forever; your work life will last loooong after your infant becomes a toddler.
4. My son went to bed at 6 or 6:30pm for the first year, so I would nurse him at bedtime, then pump immediately after putting him down to get that second let-down, and again before bed, while sipping tea. That 9pm pump got me beyond what I needed per day for him, which helped a lot when those growth spurts came along.

My son, 2 weeks old

Dads, partners and babysitters, here's what you can do:

• When warming milk, do it slowly. First defrost in the bag or bottle in the fridge. When ready to feed baby, run the bag/bottle under warm water from the faucet to loosen all the fats and proteins stuck to the bag (you can massage it), then heat water in a pan, take the pan off the stove, and drop the bottle into the pot gently circling the bottle - loosen all the good fat from the bag or bottle with massage and warm water.
• DO NOT HEAT MILK in a PAN OR MICROWAVE! High heat kills all the good stuff.
• DO NOT SHAKE THE BOTTLE! That also kills all the good stuff.
• When you bottle feed baby, hold him or her like mom would while nursing. Go ahead and put a pillow on your lap so you can make yourself and baby comfortable.
• Please hold your lil one both on the right and the left so he/she does not come to prefer one side, which can make it harder for mama to nurse on both sides (which she needs to do).
• Babies consume a bottle much faster than nursing; after the feeding burp your baby over your shoulder or resting over your horizontal arm or lap. Try a few methods, and either rub or pat. I found firm, massage like rubbing in a circle over the back most effective but I'm sure every child is different.
• Remember, baby is getting comfort from nursing, so try putting the baby's main blanket or mom's shirt over your shoulder while you feed. Later, mom and dad's scents will comfort baby and this really helps at bedtime, or when baby has to be with a different caretaker. (In earlier posts I talk about how the parents' scents comfort the baby, because she or he is made of you - you smell familiar because you are family - so that blanket needs mom and dad's scent - not another loved one, to do the job of giving comfort.)
• Dads and partners, doing that one night feeding a day will make a BIIIG difference! You'll bond with baby; s/he will go back to sleep FASTER and sleep deeper - as will you and mom; your sweet love will be better rested the next day; and you'll know you made breastfeeding more sustainable - win-win!

My son, 17 months old

For all the new moms - LOVE you lots!! Congratulations on giving birth to your very own! If you have questions, leave a comment. If I cannot answer it - I'll find one for you before you go nuts between feedings!

And, if you have tips to add, please do so in the comments. Thank you and good luck to everyone!!

TIME OFF WITH BABY IV: Western Europe, in Her Infinite Wisdom

As we now consider the effects of paid parental leave policies studied in Time Off With Baby: The Case for Paid Leave Care, let's remind ourselves what the purposes of paid care leave are:
       "The Primary motivations for providing rights to parental leave are to:

• more easily balance the competing demands of work and child rearing,
• to enhance the labor market position of women, and
• to improve child health and development." pp. 112

Let's just take a moment to breathe with that sentence. 

................................................................................................................................................................

I defy even the GOP to find anyone on God's Green Earth who believes these aims are not worth fighting for.

So, what are the policies in Europe and Canada and how do they affect children and families?

• The nations studied offer:

1. a minimum of 3 to 4 months of paid time off;
2. often at least 6 months off but as much as a year or more of paid time;
3. frequent rights to additional unpaid leave with job protection; and
4. benefits that can be split between mothers and fathers (often giving additional supplements when fathers take a minimum of 2 weeks time).

• For the most part parents took the full available allotment with women especially taking advantage of benefits, suggesting that policies must ameliorate the challenges of work-family balance.
• "Short and intermediate duration" leaves have positive effects on women and employment: increases in female employment and reemployment after giving birth; and there were either no effect or small positive effects on women's wages. Fun fact: Danish researchers saw women's wages increase when leave time was increased from 14 to 20 weeks! (More women choosing to return to the same position after a period with baby rather than quit altogether?)
• Possible effects of the "glass ceiling" were seen in employment segregation due to stymied female advancement, but only in nations where leave is extensive - over 1 yr. In the U.S. such long periods are not under consideration, so this is moot.
• Some research showed child health benefits including reductions in infant and baby mortality, especially from 2 to 12 months when parent involvement is most crucial -- except in terms of education. However, raising a child is not building a computer. I'll wager that every parent out there who is involved in their child's life is as interested in psychological well-being, relationships, communication, self-reliance, and recently highlighted qualities like resilience of character - perhaps even more than educational achievement. It is in these developmental arenas that our children thrive due to our closeness, attention and love in the early months (see previous posts)- for we are raising human beings who feel, express, engage, enjoy, experience, and love other people, the world and themselves.*
• However, research in Norway found that when paid care leave was, again, increased from 12 to 18 weeks, there were educational benefits, especially for girls and less educated children (the most vulnerable) suggesting that this increased bonding and support time in emotional care does contribute to a child's ability to learn - something, I think, frankly, is so obvious it's almost embarrassing to have to mention.

This is what paid care leave the world over looked like a month ago:

While I believe the U.S. can learn a lot from our brother and sister nations on Earth (and use a dose of healthy competition), I also know each nation has its own challenges, and the governmental policies of each nation reflect the culture of its peoples. So next week we'll take a closer look at our homeland through the policies of California answering what we tried and how it went down.

See you next week!

* For more on character development I recommend The Social Animal by David Brooks or The Soul's Code by James Hillman, not to mention the poetry of Joy Harjo.

TIME OFF WITH BABY III: Corporate Interests

After last week's poetic break from Time of with Baby: The Case for Paid Care Leave, I hope you're ready to sink your teeth into some real meat! We've talked about why parental leave for infants and babies is so important, for both families and society; what it means developmentally - emotionally and cognitively - for babies; and the societal economics in support of paid leave. Lets bite the bullet and deal with the primary enemy of paid care leave in the U.S.

Corporate lobbyists would have you believe the entire economic structure of this nation would fall under the burden of paid leave care costs. But, according to both California and our authors, Zigler, Muenchow, and Ruhm, things don't fall apart:

• Employers benefit from paid parental leave: hiring and training costs for a new employee can be as much as 150% of the departing parent's salary.
• Other employee costs are also lowered. For example, better maternal and child health reduce sick days and lower insurance costs (breastfed babies, for example, experience fewer infections; most day cares do not allow a child with a fever to come in).
• Since California enacted its paid leave policies it has been found that most companies do not hire temporary workers, but divy up responsibilities between other members of the new parent's team.   Not only does this mean lower costs, but it utilizes the very reason most employees stay in a job - loyalty to supervisor and co-workers, who by the same token care about their friend who is out on leave, and know they, too, may need the support of co-workers in the future.
• Further, it is a myth that companies will absorb all of the cost of paid parental leave. In many nations, as in California, employers' and employees', as well as state or federal funds, are aggregated to create pools from which benefits are paid, as with disability leave.
• It's important also to mention that because of unpaid leave many women are forced into a slowed rate of career advancement and stymied earnings. Some women leave good positions because they wish to remain home with a child and find reentry to be a set-back in both position and earnings. Others are in effect, punished for having a child by lost wages, slower rate of promotions, and other ill effects.
• Over half the nation's population earning less than they deserve and providing less than America needs slows the economy.
• Every workplace benefits from greater diversity if only because it increases a company's chance of finding the right person for a job, creating greater stability and better productivity.

These findings paint a clear picture for me - everyone wins when families win. Which leads me to ask why so many in the United States are so fundamentally against paid care leave. Let's just try this out: is it ultimately not about our children, but about the mothers? 

The firestorm that erupted in the 2012 campaign season brought to bear a few major women's issues: 

1. What's up with "legitimate rape"?
2. Why did it take sooooo long to pass VAWA?
3. And why did the GOP so vehemently oppose insurance coverage for oral contraceptives?

While these examples barely scrape the surface of the "war on women" they do point specifically to our power as creators... And to our vulnerability as creators.

I've talked about this issue before: only women can bring children into this world, but in many societies for far too long this has made us beholden to men and vulnerable to their insecurities, frustrations and need for control - over us, and what we bring forth.

Paid care leave is not only a family issue, but a women's issue. And a men's issue. When we as a society make the choice to uphold the family, we will acknowledge the essential roles of each member of the family, as well as the strengths and frailties of each member. It is in that light that we can see what a family truly is, and that we are at our best as individuals, families, coworkers, and government protectors when we accept and build on both strength and vulnerability: for that duality is our humanity.

Please leave your comments below! We'd love to hear what YOU think!

Love Song to Sleep

Many moons ago I also promised you poetry. So let me honor that promise tonight.
I hope you enjoy...

The whole world is asleep

In the room next to mine –

His little fists curled around

A sweaty receiving blanket.

Eyes closed so gently to the night

And day alike,

To my steps over the floor,

And the 30-somethings’ party across the backyard,

To military jets overhead,

And the prostitutes

Under our front steps,

Their johns all unzipped and unaware…

That above their heads

The peace of sleep is ever pervasive,

blessing us all.

TIME OFF WITH BABY II: Babies

When we left off last week, I gave some dismal numbers that probably left you a bit irritated about the condition of parental support for early life childcare. But there was a silver lining: that if America were to support parents in taking extended (6 months) leave to be home with their infants, our society as a whole could see benefits that are valued at as much as $17 to $1 of investment by some world renowned economists.

That's all fine and well, but most of us don't ask the monetary value of nursing our baby 8 times a day, or spending 20 minutes a day stacking blocks, knocking them over and laughing about it for a week. So, let's talk in human terms. What does it mean for parents to be home caring for their infant? and what does it mean for parents to be separated from their baby because they have to work?

• Recent research has shown a clear relationship between early experiences, like nursing, and longterm behavior reinforcing the commonly held belief that these experiences influence the "wiring" of a baby's brain. To wit: what happens to an infant shapes his or her brain, for better or worse, even as brain plasticity is reduced as the child reaches 3 years old. The wiring of the brain in early years builds a foundation for every developmental ability that will occur in life, literally determining neural architecture.
• Researchers have seen that both paid and unpaid maternity leaves facilitate maternal benefits including lessened depressive symptoms and severe depression, and support improved health generally. We know that how the mother feels is directly felt by her child and strongly effects how she behaves with her child at this very vulnerable period in brain development.
• Oddly or not, only paid leave had a beneficial effect on infant health during a mother's leave. Perhaps this is why researchers recommend a minimum of 6 months of full-time breastfeeding, but at least 4 months if 6 cannot be managed, and - as most working mothers have experienced - mama needs to be home to make that happen. (From other sources: all mama needs to do is smell her baby and milk flows. Separate mama and baby, and that process is arrested.)
• Personally, I was relieved to hear this book report that many moms echoed the sentiments I felt daily, and repeated them: "I know my baby is in a good place, but I know what she needs best." "I feel stressed (or guilty) that I am not with my baby during these months." "I am being 'cheated out of an important experience.'" "If he could only sit up (usually happens reliably between 6 and 7 months), I would feel better [less horrible] about leaving him."
• Urie Bronfrenbrenner, developmental psychologist, is quoted as saying, "in order to develop normally, a child needs the enduring, irrational involvement of one or more adults in care of and joint activity with that child... somebody has to be crazy about that kid."
• The authors boil down the relevant research about parent-child relations to this: "It is almost as if parents and babies are programmed to care for each other."
• Erik Erikson is supported in his notion that the most fundamental task of infant caregivers is to form basic trust.
• Some research has shown that if the mother returns to work full time at any point in the first year of life, children show cognitive delays at 3, 4 or 5, and sometimes as late as 7 or 8 years old. (New research shows that if that return to work brings significant funding into the house, and care provided is ok, the negative effects are negated.) When fathers supplement some of that care - lesser effects are seen.
• Additionally, at least one recent study showed that extended hours of nonmaternal care (more than full time work) were linked to greater impulsivity and risk taking as late at 15 years old. Additionally, research has shown elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels in children 12 - 24 months old who were cared for out of the home [I've seen this, it's very disturbing; my child didn't act like himself, he was inconsolable and miserable until falling asleep.] In some kids it gets high enough to call "toxic stress" triggering fear, anxiety and aggression.
• By the same token, babies 3 to 54 months old who were in 30 hours or less per week of day care did not show greater behavioral problems than those home with a parent full time.
• But if you're like me, and have no choice but to go back to work when your baby is just 19 weeks old, hear this: "Across all outcome measures, the influence of parents appears to be greater than that of nonparental child care. Put simply, parent-child interactions have a much stronger effect on the child's development than does the child's experience in out-of-home care." So, if you have to go back, and you don't work too much, and you love that child as much as you can, your child is really going to be ok.

But it all boils down to one thing for me: that those irrationally crazy-about-the-baby parents should be able to be with their child at this critical time in their child's life if they chose. And society should help them do it. Our society should help us do it.

Please leave your comments, thoughts, concerns and even additional research if you've got it below. Let's talk about what all of this means, for us, today, as moms and dads in the real world.

Research above is reported from  Time Off With Baby: The Case for Paid Care Leave by Edward Zigler, Susan Muenchow and Christopher J. Ruhm, 2012.

TIME OFF WITH BABY I: Economics

So now that both Howard Dean and President Barack Obama are talking, will the nation start listening?

While Obama took the "attainable goals" (please don't laugh, these are our kids, right?) approach, Howard Dean, followed his typical "hold no prisoners" route. And God bless him, because I'm not likely to drop my zero-to-three advocacy, and Lord knows we could use a very public defender on our side on this debate, yes, even if it's due to make us all laugh (these are our kids, right?).

So, now that the conversation has been publicly reopened on early care by Mr. Dean, and pre-school by Mr. President, let me give you some ammunition. I accepted it as my obligation to read Time Off with Baby: The Case for Paid Care Leave (thank you, Tris) in November after writing my last post. But let me tell you this is one motha' of a text, and it took me a while to distill for you only the most exciting, gut-wrenching and salient points, so that when we do make our elevator speeches, by golly, we leave our listeners downright nauseated. Are you with me!?

I'll try to convey what I've learned in a few posts so we can both maintain sanity. Since it's what America knows best (I have a pet theory that slavery sowed the seed of capitalism), let's put our money where our mouths are. For today, we'll talk economics, because if we don't start there, as you know, in the U S of A, we will never get anywhere. (When you talk to the Devil use his language.)

Major bullets, compliments of authors Edward Zigler, Susan Muenchow and Christopher J. Ruhm:

• Nobel economist James Heckman determined that investment in the earliest years of life yields higher returns than can be achieved through funding any other time in the lifespan: for each DOLLAR invested in early childhood, between $4 and $17 - SEVENTEEN - are saved. In societal terms, we reduce crime, teen pregnancy and welfare need, and increase schooling, workforce productivity and health. I'd like a taste of that ROI!
• Full-time Center-based care for an infant in 2009 ranged in cost from $4570 in Mississippi to $18993 in Massachusetts: the average annual cost then was more than the average annual cost of a year's tuition and fees at a 4-year public college in 40 states. Did you plan to pay for 8 years of higher education per child?
• When Educare, a research-based childcare production set out to initiate programs in a few locations to provide exactly what infants, babies and pre-schoolers needed in day care, cost was estimated at $16K - $17K per year per child ... in Maine. So, when your child receives what he or she deserves by scientifically established humane standards, developed to support your child's beneficial growth - mentally, emotionally, intellectually, and physically - it actually costs as much as higher education.
• By today's standards, the government has agreed that childcare must cost no more than 20% of income above the poverty line to be considered "affordable". A month of my child's not-bad-at-all, probably not stellar 2-year-old day care for 3 days per week costs me one week of take home pay. That's 25% of my above-poverty line salary, as an officer, by the way. Let's thank God, once more, that I'm married and my husband is home two days a week, because if not, I'd be shelling out 33% of my take home pay on daycare.

I'm going to ruin the ending of the book for you, just so we're on the same page here (ba da bum bum bum). In California parents are already provided with a shared approximately 50% pay for 6 months of early child care leave. And after doing the math, spending some serious time with babies and mothers, then dropping in on the work world, these economists are recommending a federal program that offers California's benefits in all 50 states. Not so much because that's what's best for the family or baby but because of everything out there which would probably be better (in Europe some moms get paid for up to 2 years), this is a compromise that is affordable for our nation as she stands now, and gives families the best start within the limitations we face through a policy that we might actually pass. Attainable goals, people. The authors wanted to be taken seriously.

This is a picture of my son with his Aunt. Why? Because my son is one of those lucky children who is loved and cared for by the whole village. Some children are not that fortunate. And while we may not be able to get everyone involved in taking care of every child, we can all be involved in supporting at least the two people who matter most: mama and daddy, so that they can give everything they have to raising their child.

Not sure moms and dads matter so much?? - check in with me next week.

And let's talk! Add your comments and questions and thoughts below!

Agency... Found in a Lock

While on radioactive lock-down a couple weeks ago (part deux of my cancer treatment, and the scarier part) I had a lot of time to myself. I admit, I watched a lot of The Mentalist and read a lot of Game of Thrones, book IV. But one night, I also fell into the 2011 film, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. If you haven't seen it, an approximately ten-year old boy, Oskar, loses his father on September 11th in the WTC. He tells us that he was tested for Asberger's, but "diagnostics were inconclusive." He is noticeably distant from his mother, but close to his grandmother, who takes a 'boarder'. Oskar discovers a key in the top of his father's closet one year after his death, and decides this key was meant for him to find, and for which he is determined to locate the key it unlocks, discovering a secret his father means for him to find.

There are many things Oskar finds, including the truth about 'the boarder' and the person who needs the key most. Oskar, being a man of select and distinct intellect and strategy, plots his way through the five boroughs looking for the person who holds the lock. He meets over a hundred people over several months, walking from location to location asking anyone by the last name of "Black" if they knew his father, Thomas Schell, and if they have the lock. Obvious significance of the names aside, Oskar is determined, methodic and secretive. Until he meets his grandmother's boarder, an elderly man who doesn't speak; he has not lost his voice, just his will to use it. Oskar wants to know his story, and pours out his own to the man at 3 a.m. The boarder asks Oskar if he would like a companion on his search.

Oskar has rules, many of them, and a strict schedule. He's afraid of the MTA, so walks; he is goal-oriented so figures to hit so many houses in so much time, insisting on at least 20 people per Saturday. The boarder agrees to everything, but Oskar makes some allowances: the boarder cannot walk that much or that fast; they take the train. The boarder needs to sit down and eat, and might need more than 6 minutes to consume his hotdog. So be it.

Oskar has a few tantrums, and the grandfather waits quietly, allowing the boy to feel his frustration. The boy insists on some rules, and the grandfather complies. But Oskar sees his limitations and adjusts for them.

The moment of truth comes on dry-run when Oskar insists on visiting a river home in the Rockaways alone, and looks back to see that the boarder has left him. Oskar finds him in a bar. The boarder is his grandfather, and Oskar admits that he would like the man to come with him from now on.

This 9/11 film reminded me of something we're allowed to forget in this society because we so rarely see it: that children and elders have an understanding. Perhaps they're bonded because they're free from the responsibilities of supporting themselves or their families (hopefully) and that allows both children and elders to see the world differently, traverse it differently. Perhaps it's that neither is prepared- physically, emotionally, or spiritually- to move at the rate most adults are expected to perform in the 21st century. Perhaps there's also a layer of being closer to the spiritual world than we "adults" are. Children have just emerged from it; elders are on their way back. But perhaps there's also an unfortunate commonality, too: that because they don't "work" they're not treated as having as much to "contribute" to society, and therefore not seen to be legitimate individuals - the way adults are.

From moment to moment, watching the exchange between this old man who is living out his last days, and his every regret, in secrecy while giving Oskar the agency he deserves, as Oskar discovers all the secrets and exposes them one-by-one, myself unable to care for my child, and in fact, being cared-for a great deal by my husband's parents, I realized how crucial it is to respect our children as real-live people. Yes, I ask my son if he wants cereal for breakfast, and if he says "no" I offer oatmeal, but a choice like that is an illusion of agency. Real agency is respecting him when he says "no" to a hug, and when he wants to walk instead of ride in the stroller, and backing off so he can engage in play his own way.

My son will be two years old just after Thanksgiving, so we've been dealing with the "terrible twos" for almost a year now, and I think it's high time we stopped allowing it to be called the "terrible twos". Don't we all want to accomplish the one thing we're on earth to do - to become what we are meant to be? Our children have so little say in so very much, while we make all the decisions. Now, I'm not pulling back on the routines, naptime, and insisting that my child eat three heads of broccoli before he can have a damn cookie, but I am saying that waking up each morning with an eye to what our child intends, his goals, his desires, his obsessions and his instants of insistence might help us see just a bit better into his soul, allowing us to let it show itself, and every day become more what our child is meant to be.

This is where I invite you to comment below. What do you do to respect your child's agency? What have your experiences been with raising toddlers? What do you think society could do to respect children as individuals more, and validate their needs and desires while giving them structure and security? Have you seen this in another society? What did it look like?

EARTH HERO

Shameless plug for my friend Kamara's latest release.
New album drop is imminent!
This is "You Wreck Me" from Earth Hero

the Mamas annnnnd the Papas

Four weeks ago I optimistically told you we would talk about the papas "next week." What happened? why is it so hard to talk about what Daddies do?

On Tuesday I worked from home, and when my son and I arrived at the playground just before 9 am, there were two other toddlers there. With their papas. By 9:30 there were seven kids on the rainy blacktop: all of them except mine with their daddies. The thing is I was home that day because my husband had a meeting he couldn't reschedule. Every other Tuesday he's the one with our toddler at the playground, with all those other daddies.

And he has been since I went back to work, at which point my two best friends in New York also had infants. And at that time, all three moms returned to work while the dads did some or all of the 9-5x5.

So the economy sucks and we're getting creative, but maybe that is changing the daddies. Before we get into the post-partum stuff let me relay a few things I've learned from science:

• during pregnancy, if the papa got any of mama's symptoms (for mine it was the bloating, and my bloating was from hell!), he probably had high prolactin, which made him more nurturing;
• once your baby was born daddy's prolactin rose (even more) when he was near the baby making him more nurturing, and fell when he was out of the house, so he could go back to bread-winning;
• and if the two of you felt closer during pregnancy, it might also have been due somewhat to hormones: mama's pheromones told papa to be closer to her, but they had no effect on any other man around her.

They say the mother's role in childrearing is to be nurturing, caring, respond to the child's needs, and teach trust, reliance, relationship and communication skills, and encourage the child in all things. The mama looks inward - creating a family life, a nest, and looking to the child's innermost needs. A father's role is to push baby out of the nest, to show her the world, to encourage her to go out and see it, and do it, and be it. He teaches her confidence, pride, work ethic and perseverance. Papa is focused on the outside world, and helps the child to leave the home and discover the universe.

But I've definitely noticed that the daddies we meet, like my son's father, are nurturing and emotionally in tune with their children. In some ways they do respond totally differently to situations than I do. For example, when my son wiped his arm over the picnic table scattering the acorns a three-year-old carefully gathered, I went over and said, "Mihijo, we don't do this, he's playing with these nuts - let's put them back." When my son's best friend did the same thing minutes later, her daddy called out, "oh, man, there they goooo!" a big laugh resounding over the chaos. Honestly, I thought it was awesome.
I was teaching my child to pay attention to others' needs and wants, and to be empathetic to others. My friend was teaching the kids that shit happens, and that can be laughable (the nut-gatherer was, by the way, no where in sight for either incident). Both are good lessons.

This moment crystalized for me one difference between mommas and daddies - yes, we're teaching different stuff, but I've seen that daddy hug and love and comfort his daughter in all the same ways I hug and comfort and love my son.

What occurs to me is this - I do believe that daddies are spending a lot more time in the 21st century with their young children than they did in the 20th century - at least among western civilizations. And the papas I know are much more emotionally in tune with their children than the fathers of my generation.

I see a unique opportunity here for our men to learn a new emotional intelligence (E.I.). Just as I've said my child made me a mother, I believe our children teach their fathers to be fathers. And I see the dads around us learning to be the kinds of fathers we would have wanted. I don't think past generations put a lot of stock in men having emotional intelligence - that is paying attention to their and others' emotions, being sensitive to them, and offering care for those emotional needs and the people who have them. I don't think society in general has placed much value on emotional intelligence. There's a reason why it is women who dominated the lines of work that require care and E.I.: teaching, nursing, child-rearing, and management positions. Because we have learned E.I. over millennia of taking care of small children, older children, the elders, and managing households chock full of emotions coming from every direction. Note that it was those lines of work that pay the lowest wages (see previous posts for data links).

As the work world learns that we have to find a way to reconfigure work to allow both [working] parents to care for their children, more men are carrying a part of the load, and learning a new kind of sensitivity. There is a great opportunity here - one where men can take what they are now learning as the fathers of small children (who have perhaps the highest emotional needs), back into the larger world - and give new authority to valuing emotional intelligence as one we all need, one that is essential for working together and working together better, not to mention heightening our awareness of the value in all things - from the human soul, to four-leggeds, winged-beings, and swimming things, and the very earth we stand upon.

Maybe feminism's cosmic role wasn't just to let women out of their Leave-it-to-Beaver shackles but also to release men from the just-as-restrictive life of Mary Poppins' nemesis, Mr. Banks. Just as we see how our bodies work together not only to create a child but to create the relationship that will sustain a child after birth, we can see that it's both men and women who nurture our children.

Papas, you have an opportunity here - to go back into the world and add the authority of your voices to those of women everywhere who know the value of understanding emotions, empathizing with others, and responding to emotional needs. Human beings are emotional creatures, and that is part of what gives us the ability to bond, to serve one another, to provide for each other what, individually, we can never do for ourselves. Some would say it's what allows us to touch the sublime. Women can't change society alone. As we created life together, we can elevate it, only together.

Dear Readers,
I'm honored that you take the time to read what I write for you. Thank you for this and for caring about the issues I discuss in my posts. I also invite you to comment on what you read - share your stories, comments, thoughts, statistics or meditations. I would love for this blog to be come a forum where we can all get together to share and change the world.
Sincerely yours, Mariah